Some days I feel like an orphan

The title pretty much says it all. It is a very true statement for me. Some days I feel like an orphan. And kind of, technically, I halfway am. 

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't lost my mom and my granny when I was 5. Would I be closer to people I really barely know? Would I be less messed emotionally? Would I know more about my infertility? 

What's gotten to me here lately is everyone, I mean EVERYONE, here where we live seems to be kin or married-in! I keep asking people to adopt me, but I haven't had any takers yet. But who wants a 32-year old, right?!

February & March Update

Man, it's been a while since I posted! Whoops! Well, here goes!

On the medical front, I went to the new Breast Cancer doctor. She was really nice and was interested in my family history. My fertility doctor wanted me to get the BRCA gene test, but the BC doc didn't think it was the right time. And since I only had one family line that BC. She wants to keep an eye on me but wants me to have all the babies I want... Well, yeah, that's why we started going to the fertility specialist.

Then I had my HSG test just this Tuesday. This is a dye and x-ray test that checks your fallopian tubes to make sure they are not blocked. I was told that I had a beautiful anatomy & everything looked great, no blockages. Whew! That is good news!! The test didn't hurt, just a little pinching as she inserted the tube and an awkward feeling of fullness when the dye filled me. It's hard to explain really. 

On the adoption front, we received a call from our social worker Tuesday as well... Tuesday was just a day for us, I'm telling ya!  She wanted us to come in for a quick visit and discuss some things with us. Mainly, just wanted to check and see how we were and what new things were happening with us. But also for us to consider "mentoring" a child. Basically, we would be like a big brother/big sister or aunt & uncle type. Take the kid out to experience things he/she might not otherwise get to take part in. This would also help the child build connections with people outside the foster (or eventually adoptive) family that they can carry with them down the road in their lives. We still have to discuss it some more. But it would be a very good thing. 

Oh! And if you have noticed my weight loss ticker  over there >>>, you see that I have now lost 18 pounds since January 10th!! Last week I had 3 people at work ask me if I have lost weight or ask how much I have lost. I still can't SEE it, but I am back in jeans I haven't worn in at least 3 years, which is a good thing. 

So that's about it! Until next time, much love... 

Our newest 180

So, while there is nothing happening on the adoption front, and with us being as fed-up as we are, we decided to make a 180 turn and go in the opposite direction. We went to see a fertility specialist.

First impressions say a lot. The office, the staff, the med student, and the doctor--- all super sweet & awesome! I was super impressed. The office wasn't over flowing with patients, the doctor could take her time with us, which she did. We didn't find out much more than we already knew. The doctor has to send off for our medical records from our other doctors. But we did find out that I do not have PCOS. The dr. did an ultrasound and my follicles looked normal. So that is good news. But she did put me on a 1200 calorie a day diet, because I am overweight. I won't deny that; I do love food.
So I started the diet Friday. Got a killer headache that afternoon. Went to bed when I got home. Saturday, I had absolutely no energy to do anything. But I figured out that I have to eat a good breakfast and then less during the day. I did that Sunday and today, and I feel much better. So Big in the a.m. medium at lunch, and little for supper. :)
Good news is that, as of today, I've lost 7 pounds. I don't know where, but that's what the scale says.

Christmas 2012 and looking ahead to 2013

It's the day after Christmas, and I am sitting here at our computer sipping my coffee with a orange tabby kitten asleep on the desktop. My husband is still in bed asleep. I think about this last week of hustling and bustling around trying to make sure I had all the ingredients bought for the dishes I planned to make for our two Christmas celebrations, one with my dad and the other with the in-laws. I made it through. 
Last year, I can't say I made it as easily. I was pretty much an emotional wreck. We had just finished our GPS classes for DHR and were working on our home study paperwork. I was so yearning for a little girl that stole my heart... but Christmas day came... and went... New Year's came... and went... and 2012 came and is almost gone and our family still has missing pieces. 
Since Summer of 2011, we have inquired on 7 children (if I am remembering them all). And it has taken us until November 2012 to get our CPR class in (of which we have not gotten our official cards yet). I honestly don't know where this crazy road of trying to adopt from the state is going... to me, all it seems to be is dead-end after dead-end. That is why I am so happy that we are going to at least go see the fertility specialist in January. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

CPR... check!

Well, we have now made it successfully through our CPR class, which was the last official step left in our home study process. We still do not have any prospects towards adoption, but are still somewhat hopeful.

Back to CPR... We not only learned the lasted CPR technique but also learned how to basically use an AED (automatic external defibulator) and basic First Aid.
I had to laugh at Kim & I when we tried to learn the CPR on the baby dummy. Oh, yeah, you could so tell who had never had a baby! lol I think we "killed" that poor baby doll.

So that's about it. But it's one more step down. 

November Update

It has been roughly 4 weeks since my last post.  Well, we do not know anything more than we did last time!  If this had been a job interview, and we were in the running, we would have gotten a call saying "We are sorry to inform you, you didn't get the job." WE HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING! We assume that this young lady was "placed" with her current FPs because they were also interested in adopting her. 

Things have gotten totally out of hand for us. I honestly think that this was the Last straw. We decided that we are going to visit a Fertility Specialist after the first of the year. Ironically, at the end of last week we got a letter saying that CPR classes are FINALLY being held in our county. We are going to take them, so we will be "officially official". 

No news on the adoption front

So another week has come and gone. This was the 3rd week in October out of 4 1/2. Why am I keeping up? Because there is supposed to be a very special meeting sometime during this month of October. A meeting that will decide the fate of one child. And in our case, one can assume that no news, is not good news. 
I got anxious Wednesday night and did a whole USA search on AdoptUSkids.org. Not all states participate, but a lot do. I saw a few children that I would inquire about if we were "allowed". They are not in our state, and we have to wait 6 months after our home study was approved before we can attempt to transfer it to another state... we are only 3 months out. So I requested info from those states, of their requirements, etc. 

I kind of do, and kind of don't understand why your home study can only be active in one state at a time. You would think that they want to find these children the best home for them regardless of what state. And once adoption takes place would that not free up state money from that child to be able to put towards another?

I had a really sweet lady from the Baptist Children's Home email me back the next day. If I had the whole "home study" thing to do over again, I would definately go through our local United Methodist Children's Home. I found out way to late that they did home studies. They seemed to me like they cared more. I know that the state has the children's best interest in mind, but what about me? Who's looking out for me?

Looking forward

So there have been several things in the news lately that really bother me. One, being teen Amanda Todd, committing suicide after being bullied. That is just not right. What are people teaching their kids? Oh, wait, they are not "teaching" them! More children are being raised by grandparents and step parents, etc. than ever. More parents are wanting to be their kids 'friend' instead of parent. 
And two, is the 14 year old Pakistani girl, Malala Yousafzai, who spoke out against the Taliban and was shot for standing up for education for women. I stop and think more and more often 'where is this world going?' And then answer myself 'to Hell in a handbasket'. 

I wish I was able to protect children. I don't think any child should go with out feeling that kind of love, love of a parent. 

My goals for 2012? Well, I want to be a better friend. I want to be in a group or class of people my own age that talks openly about stuff, whether that be in a Sunday school setting or women's group, etc. I feel very left out sometimes. I know I am missing something in that area of fellowship. 
I want to be able to meet someone and introduce them to my son or daughter! But that is a goal that I may not be able to attain. 

So I'm just living day by day, trying to figure all this out. 

What's new... not a lot.

So what's been happening lately... um, really not much. 
I finally broke down and bought some St. John's Wort to help my crazy moods. Started taking that Sunday afternoon. So far I've had crazy dreams (which is normal for me), really energized Tuesday of cleaning, and a kind of normal blah Wednesday. I've also started back on gummy vitamins (Vitafusion Gummyvites).  

Really other than that, nothing of substance. 

Being a Mama Bird: being protective & seeing a need

Isn't it funny how you just feel protective of certain people? Those who seem to always get picked on or those who never seem to catch a break. I am. I can be very protective of others. Then again, there are those than I can turn away from, but they aren't the ones that need someone to stand up for them, are they? 

I had one such experience over the past week. I ran across a young lady that I had met almost 10 years ago and we started telling each other about our lives now. (She is now a mother of 2.) But she was telling me that they are just in a tight spot right now, the seasons are changing and her babies need warmer clothes since it's been getting a little chilly. This weighed on my heart for a few days and I finally couldn't help myself anymore. I asked her if she minded me picking some things up for them. Yesterday I got to see my heart's work. I dropped off the few long-sleeved shirts and little pants to her, and as she looked over the pieces, joy filled my heart and I could tell that we were both a little emotional. She told me that she appreciated this very, very much and gave me a big hug. This girl is one of my baby birds, that I feel the overwhelming need to keep an eye out for her. 

But then a thought comes in to my mind. That is what we are supposed to do for others. That is how we should be living. That is how the church should be working. Seeing after the widows, orphans, and those less-fortunate than ourselves, those who are hungry and thirsty, those who need clothed*. And I have to ask, am I doing that? Is my church doing that? What more could we do to make a difference, even a small difference? 
I think that is also one reason why we chose to go the adoption route, to think that there are children out there who are in desperate need of love and a family. 


* "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27 NIV

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in..." Matthew 25:35 NIV