Monday, October 26, 2009

Bible in a child's words

If you need a chuckle today, this should do it!


A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.


Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell:


In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.


He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.


Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check..

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.




Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.


God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua, came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.


(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.


Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.


But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.


Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

How to make laundry soap video


Make Your Own Laundry Soap! - Funny video clips are a click away

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Gettin' better all the time

My afternoon has gone a lot better for me than this morning. I've read some blogs of people I really admire and they helped. Then some really uplifting people blessed me with a visit! Little ones always make me smile, and this time I was able to give them something in return. A puppy! to love and cuddle! I know that their family is going to be even more awesome since they have a puppy (it's already pretty darn great now). {Thanks guys!!}

Well, tomorrow is Sunday and I really need to start getting things ready for church. XOXOXO

Here we go again

Layouts & More @ ColorArmy.Com


I apparently have some sort of curse on me or something. And I tend to hold on to stuff way to long and get sentimental over objects that the average person might not think twice about. Case in point, my other half has been using the handmade afghan I received for high school graduation (10 years ago) as a cover for his motorcycle in the garage to keep the cats from scratching it. Well, I went to straighten it up a while ago and saw that they had torn a big hole in it from the foot rest! This just pissed me off so and really made me upset. This was also after I was in Walmart (bless my heart) and thought that I didn't have the main checkbook with me, which I didn't find until I got home. So I have been pretty much upset the whole day. And now I think that this is a time that I really need to hit the ol' knees and have a little talk with the man upstairs... then there is the hammering/beating sound that has been coming from the house next door all day. People, I know you're remodeling but take a break for like 20 minutes! And right now I am here all by myself, the hubs is out golfing. Just call me a golf widow.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

We have 11 new puppies!

They are super cute and mom & babies are all doing well. These little on Friday Sept 19th and are growing like weeds!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Arlington... thank you

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sunday's Message

We had a really good message Sunday at church. It was about not staying in the boat, but jumping out into the water with Jesus. Matthew 14:21-30 somewhere right in there were the verses. Any way. We as human beings want to sit back and take the easy way, which isn't always the right or best way of doing things.

So jump out of the boat with your eyes on Jesus!

Monday, August 11, 2008

teeth cleaning

I just want to ask, should my teeth really be this sensitive just after having them cleaned? I mean they are sore? Is that the right word. They were like this last time too.

Anyone?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I've done my first product reviews on ExpoTV!

Just wanted to let you know that I've done my first 3 product reviews on ExpoTV! This was exciting, but I was talking to my camera.

Keep checking my home page for my reviews!

http://www.expotv.com/profile/home/fordsuperchick

Monday, July 28, 2008

UPS driver gets special, final delivery

When I saw this story this morning, I knew I had to repost it. This is the way we should treat our friends and loved ones.
-A


Sun Jul 27, 2:59 AM ET

CRYSTAL LAKE, Ill. - Jeff Hornagold loved being a UPS driver.

So when the suburban Chicago man died this week of lung cancer, longtime co-worker Michael McGowan agreed to take him on one last delivery.

McGowan transported Hornagold's body from Davenport Family Funeral Home to Saturday's funeral services in his UPS truck.

McGowan says he plans to keep a picture of Hornagold in his truck until he retires so that they can keep riding together.

Hornagold was a UPS driver for 20 years, and his wife Judy Hornagold described him as "just the happiest UPS man alive."

She says the special delivery was the perfect tribute.

___

Information from: The Northwest Herald, http://www.nwherald.com